I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .