My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
The sun is just a big space heater.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!