I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"