I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
The sun is just a big space heater.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.