Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.