The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.