My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.