My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
