My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues