I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!