Turtle Jokes

What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.

Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.

My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.

How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.

What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.

Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley

“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst