What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.