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Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep
New Years Resolutions People Actually Keep: Read less. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store. Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Watch less T.V. on the small screen and buy a bigger one. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. Watch more movie remakes. Procrastinate more. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will become a vegan for a day and subsequently learn that it was a missed steak. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials. Start being superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
Funny Parenting Quotes
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”

- Jr. Williams.
Monster Puns
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Witch Puns
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Funny Animal Quotes
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”

- Groucho Marx.
Onion Puns
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Literary Pick Up Lines
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Ghost Puns
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Revenge of the Melon Farmer
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!"
4th of July Pick Up Lines
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Gnome Puns
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Orange Puns
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Cherry Puns
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.