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Owner Jokes

Pot Puns
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Gun Puns
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Halloween Puns
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
A Neo-Nazi Walks into a Bar
A Neo-Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Neo-Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar. "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf." The Neo-Nazi looks again at the Jew and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. The bartender shrugs: "Well he does own the bar."
Tableware Puns
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Funny Limericks
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
The Drunkard and the Coffee Shop Owner
A drunken man walks into a coffee shop one day. "Do you have ice coffee?" "No sir. We don't." Says the owner. "Ok then." says the drunken man. Then he gets on his way. 20 minutes later he comes back in. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires again. "No sir. We don't. I told you before." Says the owner. "Oh. Sorry about that." says the drunken man as he waddles off. 20 minutes later he comes again. "Do you have ice coffee?" "Sir, I told you before. We do not have any ice coffee." "Wow ok then. No need to tell me twice!" exclaims the drunkard and exits. This time, the owner decides to put some coffee in a bucket of ice and wait. Sure enough, 20 minutes later the drunkard enters again. "Do you have ice coffee?" he inquires. "Why yes sir, we do!" says the owner with a smile. "Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?"
Funny Animal Quotes
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”

- Kin Hubbard.
Strawberry Puns
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Animal Pick Up Lines
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
Tiger Puns
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Funny Animal Poems That Rhyme
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Parrot Puns
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Color Puns
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
The Florist's Mix-Up
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: “Congratulations on your new location!”
The Cat Statue
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around. Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue." As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story." The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue. When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him. He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again. This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes. By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks. He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper. When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him. There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that. In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could. Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out. The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said, "I told you that you'd be back for the story!" "To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician??"
Theater Puns
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.