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Fish Jokes

The Big Bastard
A priest goes on a fishing trip with a few others and some sailors to help them. A few hours in, he suddenly hooks a very big fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that Bastard!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Bastard fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge Bastard!" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that bastard and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this bastard for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a bastard", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that bastard tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the bastard!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the bastard!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the bastard!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a long moment with a steely gaze, leans back in his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what? You schmucks are alright."
Fairy Puns
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Troll Puns
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Meat Puns
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Why Fishing is Better Than Dating
Why is FISHING better than DATING? WELL... You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and make it promises. When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In love you lie to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie at the minimum. And don't forget - Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle!
Family Puns
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
The Brit, The Scot, The Irishman and the Genie
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Please Fill it up with water."
A Matter of Experience
It was a beautiful day, and at a little fish restaurant a cry suddenly goes up: "My son! My son is choking! Someone help!" Many of the diners try all kinds of techniques, but none work and the son's face is quickly turning blue. Then a man from a nearby table stands up and says: "Don't worry, I have experience with these kinds of things." He walks over calmly to the boy, leans down and grabs him hard in the testicles. He squeezes and a fish bone comes flying out of the mouth of the child. But he is still choking, so the man takes a step back and kicks the boy savagely in the ribs. Another bone flies out and the child can suddenly breathe. Everyone cheers and claps the man on the back as he slowly walks back to his table and sits down. "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" cry the happy mother and father of the boy. "Are you a doctor?" "No," says the man. "I work for the tax department."
Monster Puns
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Food Poems
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)
Funny Animal Quotes
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Radio Puns
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Water Sports Pick Up Lines
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Fishing Drunk
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it. As he does so, a loud voice from above says, "There are no fish down there." So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole. As he peers into it he again hears a voice say, "There's no fish down there." So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole. Once again the voice says, "There's no fish down there." The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," says the voice. "It's the rink manager."
Poop Puns
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Mermaid Puns
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
Color Puns
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...