Funny Family Jokes

After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?

A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.