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Dogs Jokes

Meat Puns
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Dog-Themed Pick Up Lines
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
Deer Puns
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Funny Animal Quotes
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”

- Sue Murphy.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”

- John Steinbeck.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”

- George Carlin.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”

- Charles De Gaulle.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”

- Phil Pastoret.
The Cruel King and His Dogs
There once was a cruel king who enjoyed executing whoever he pleased. A minister once gave him wrong advice the king decided to have him killed. He ordered that the minister to be thrown to the ravenous and vicious guard dogs. The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do THIS?" The king was without mercy. The Minister fell on his knees pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs." The king thought about it, weighed his curiosity vs. his blood lust, and finally agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to feed the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comforts for them. When the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The ferocious dogs were wagging their tails, playing with the condemned minister and even licking his feet. The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the my vicious dogs?!" He growled. The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all of it at my first mistake!" The King then realized his own great mistake. The next day, he replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
Funny Money Quotes
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Did You Know That Americans Eat Dogs?
Decades ago, two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?"