Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!