Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.