One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"