How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"