I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!