I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
To get to the other tide.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.