What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Ah! The element of surprise.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.