Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.