How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on