What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.