My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.