When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.