I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.