How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Ah! The element of surprise.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.