A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.