I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Air resistance is a real drag.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy