I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars