I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
The superconductor left without resistance.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.