Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
The sun is just a big space heater.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.