Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.