What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.