What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
Biology - It grows on you.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society