After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Ah! The element of surprise.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Biology - It grows on you.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"