You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.