I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.