Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.