Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.