What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick