What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.