I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus