I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light