Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.