I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."