Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Biology - It grows on you.