Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.