The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”