Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.