I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.