Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.