The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
